Playing poker with my boyfriend and his pal felt sexy until I lost & things got VERY murky… I felt so cheap

DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my new boyfriend asked me to join him at his weekly poker night, things went further than I ever expected. Now I feel cheap and upset. 

We’d only been dating for two months. I’m 28, he’s 33 and we met on a dating app.

He was my first promising boyfriend after a string of liars and cheats, so I was keen to impress him and his friends. I dressed up extra nicely and headed round to his house. 

I’d never played poker before, but my boyfriend taught me the basics while the three other men were playing a hand.

They weren’t friendly, and I felt unsettled by their in-jokes that they made no effort to explain. They were knocking back shots and seemed to have an endless supply of cash for bets.

After a few hours, it was only me, my boyfriend and one other man left. They were both drunk while I was a little tipsy. I’d already invested all my cash.

My boyfriend suggested I switch to strip poker if I wanted to see out one last hand. 

I was going to say no, but I looked at my cards and saw a pair of Aces. I felt this was a chance to win back some money. 

Nervously, I took off my dress, and sat shivering in my underwear. The other man kept betting, so I soon lost my shoes.

I kept expecting my boyfriend to step in and stop the game, but he just kept drinking, ignoring me.

By the end of the hand, I was nearly naked. My boyfriend was very drunk now, and threw his cards away. He said I’d lost, and that the “real game” could begin.

He started kissing me and then his friend started stroking my legs. I felt sick and scrambled to my feet, saying I never agreed to group sex, and left. 

I’ve been so upset and confused since. I rang my boyfriend the next day but he didn’t answer. I’ve only had a couple of texts.

I’ve tried to explain how embarrassed I felt, but he says I’m overreacting and need to forget it. 

He doesn’t want to discuss what happened, but I can’t forget it. Was I a prude for running away? Even though I’m angry, I miss him. I’m starting to wonder if I should have played along? 

DEIDRE SAYS: Absolutely not! This man is deliberately trying to make you feel boring and inadequate, simply to fulfil his own desires. He has shown no genuine interest in you and clearly has no understanding of the concept of consent. 

At the very least he should have asked you if you wanted a threesome, rather than engineer this mucky game of entrapment. And the way he’s undermined and belittled you since shows a complete disregard and disrespect. 

Manipulative men depend on women feeling too uncomfortable to make a fuss.

But a loving, kind partner would never put you in any situation where you’d feel embarrassed or upset. He humiliated you in front of another man. It’s clear where his priorities really lie. 

If you find yourself dating unkind, unreliable men over and over again, you might be repeating patterns from much earlier in your life.

Constantly being drawn to men who make you feel like you have to prove yourself is often rooted in old wounds of being made to feel inadequate.

It could be useful to discuss this with a counsellor who can help you understand and make better decisions in the future.

It would also be useful to tell a counsellor about this poker evening, and how it is affecting you. 

This man was never going to be boyfriend material and as upsetting as this poker night turned out to be, it’s good you learned early on in your relationship.

I’d encourage you to block his number. You are not being unreasonable for doing this – you’re protecting yourself. 

My free support packs Raising Self Esteem and Finding The Right Partner For You has lots of advice on dating. It will help you spot any red flags and warning signs early on, and give you tips on finding the lovely partner you deserve. 

Dear Deidre’s Drinking Regrets

From impulsive kisses to painful consequences, alcohol-induced regrets regularly appear in Deidre’s inbox. 

One woman, kissed her friend’s husband at a child’s birthday party after drinking too much. 

Another reader, cheated on her fiancé during a rare girls’ night out, and is now, overwhelmed with guilt and anxiety. 

And in a more shocking case, a woman had her drink spiked by a close friend at her birthday party, leaving her shaken and struggling to trust others.