STANDING in a courtroom facing his abuser for the first time since he was sexually assaulted, Andy Carroll was a nervous wreck.
The traumatic attack, which left him sobbing uncontrollably in the arms of his family’s nanny as he waited for the police to arrive at his home, was a secret he’d kept from almost everyone who knew him.
And getting up on the stand to relive the events of that awful night was excruciating.
“It was humiliating and embarrassing and absolutely horrendous,” Andy, 37, recalls in his book, Owning It.
He had been given the option to give his evidence from behind a screen but was urged by the judge to be visible to the jury, adding: “My testimony would be more powerful if they were able to see my face.”
In front of 12 strangers, the former Newcastle United and West Ham star, recounted the horrors of that evening minute by minute.
Andy recalled the frantic texts he sent to his then wife Billi Mucklow, admitting he did not want the man – who was a friend of hers – to be at their home, where their children were sleeping upstairs.
Not wanting to be rude, and feeling obliged by Billi to open the doors to their home, Andy recalled the man, a divorcee with kids, arriving with “two boys” who drove off after dropping the man at the door.
The upsetting events which followed saw Andy waking up in the house to find the man attempting to perform oral sex on him.
Andy reacted furiously and threw the man out of their home, but recalled that the man returned to the door and begged for forgiveness.
He wrote: “He comes back in, starts saying sorry and tries to cuddle me.
“I smack him as hard as I can and he hits the deck.
“I’m sobbing in the nanny’s arms while she’s trying to comfort me while we wait for the police to come.”
For Andy, the trauma of that night’s events were just the beginning of a two-year long battle to get justice.
Without forensics, intimate swabs taken from himself and his attacker, and the evidence police took from his phone of his messages to Billi, Andy believes the man may have gotten away with his crime.
In Owning It, he recounted how the police contacted him a number of times asking for more evidence in a bid to get justice.
And a friend said the trauma of the wait and not knowing compounded Andy’s fragility.
“Andy endured something horrendous but the police investigation and the run up to the trial was equally as difficult for him,” a friend explains.
“It appeared clear from the off that this man wasn’t going to go down without a fight.
“His version of events were wildly different to Andy’s.
“When he was arrested he claimed Andy wanted to have sex with him and then he hit him when he refused.
“At trial, he claimed they’d had consensual sex, and said Andy had struck him afterwards.
“For Andy this was immeasurably difficult and is something he still has to live with, and attempt to process, on a daily basis.”
Andy stuck with the police investigation and said he helped their enquiries as much as he could.
In Owning It, he alluded to police investigating the man for other offences, and recalled how they had urged him to keep going in a bid to help others.
“Andy couldn’t turn his back and run,” a friend adds. He is a decent man and is honourable.
“Despite the toll this took on him, he wanted justice.”
In Owning It, Andy wrote about the difficulties of the trial and revealed the man tried to fight against him.
He wrote: “My abuser denied everything and claimed we’d had consensual sex before I hit him.
“Unfortunately for him, the physical and phone forensics backed me up.
“When the police called to say he’d been found guilty, I started crying uncontrollably.”
The man was sentenced to three years behind bars, placed on the sex offenders register and was banned from entering the village where Andy lived at the time.
His marriage to Billi, 37, later ended with the couple filing for divorce in 2024.
Those close to Andy said he felt unsupported by Billi during the process, admitting: “It was one of a number of factors that led to their marriage ending.
“This was a life altering event for Andy. He felt very alone.”
Andy did not speak about the attack in the time that followed but recalled that meeting his partner Lou Teasdale changed his outlook.
And as he started to write his book, he said he decided to write about his experience.
“By owning what happened to me rather than trying to bury it, perhaps I can have some control over it,” Andy said.
“Rather than it controlling me.”
Friends close to Andy said he had been overwhelmed by the response to Owning It and the reaction to him opening up about the attack.
“Andy knew that opening up about the worst moment of his life could help others,” a friend explained.
“He didn’t rush the decision. He thought about it and talked it through with Lou.
“Ultimately, speaking about it and writing it down made him realise that his experience could help other people.
“He knows it could also inspire others who may not have sought justice to speak to the police.
“Sexual abusers should not be allowed to get away with their crimes.
“Andy wanted to share his story to tell these people they’re not alone and that help is out there.”