My ‘housemate with advantages’ is getting wed but I can’t stop thinking about our sizzling sofa sex – should I tell her?

DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I started our “housemate with benefits” situation, I wasn’t thinking long term. But now she’s getting married, I can’t bear the thought of never touching her again. 

We met two years ago when I answered her ad for a new flatmate. I was 26, had just broken up with my girlfriend, and sworn off dating. But when the front door was opened by a gorgeous woman my age, my spirits lifted. 

We hit it off immediately. She’s a dentist and I’m a chef, so we weren’t always home at the same time.

She’d leave notes and food out on the worktop for me. She’d also leave her laundry over the radiators. I couldn’t help noticing her tiny lacy underwear and imagining her wearing them. 

When she was home, we’d hang out on the sofa, laughing at her terrible taste in TV shows (it’s truly awful) or listening to music.

The first evening we crossed the line was when I got home from work and found her all dressed up for a date. She showed me his dating app profile and I got a wave of jealousy. As her hand touched mine, I realised I wanted her all to myself. 

I pulled her in for a kiss, and it was fast, passionate and intense. We made love on the sofa, and again on the carpet. 

Afterwards, she was keen to keep it a “no strings” arrangement because we were living together. But from that night on, she usually slept in my bed.

Sometimes she’d creep in late and I’d wake up to find her huddled tight next to me. I’d gently stroke her hair, and she’d leap on me. 

Everything was good for a year, then she started dating a pharmacist who was soon whisking her away for holidays. I’d roam around our flat by myself, missing her.

I knew I couldn’t compete. He earns twice as much as me while I can barely afford my rent. I couldn’t explain how I felt so I started pulling away. 

She kept sleeping in my bed until her boyfriend took her to Paris and proposed.

When she showed me the massive ring, I felt I was going to be sick. But I mumbled my congratulations and hid in my bedroom – and I locked the door. 

We haven’t slept together since, and her wedding is approaching. I’m looking for new flats, but what I really want to do is ask her to be my girlfriend.  

What should I do? 

DEIDRE SAYS: Tell her how you feel. You have nothing to lose. The longer you leave it before you confess your feelings, the less chance you have of being together. 

You might feel you bring less to a relationship than a rich man, but that’s not your decision to make. Only she knows what matters to her.

Finances are important, but chemistry and attraction are key also. The fact she’s accepted his proposal might mean she’s madly in love with him — but it might also mean that she liked you more, but you never made a move. 

I hear from lots of longterm couples who started off as friends with benefits. Often there is an awkward stage where one party catches feelings and is unsure whether it’s mutual.

I can’t predict what she will say, but I would say that after living harmoniously for two years, and getting on well, you will already have a close relationship.

Not only are you drawn to each other sexually, you’ve also discovered you can live together amicably. That’s a lot. 

Before you talk to her, check if your feelings are genuine attraction and not just jealousy.

Consider whether there is an unhealthy pattern, where you are prompted to make a move simply because she is pursuing other options.

Ask yourself how you’d feel about her if she had no other options on the table. Do you still, genuinely, feel connected and emotional about her? 

If you do, swallow your pride and be honest. The worst thing that can happen is things stay exactly as they are now. 

Good luck. 

Dear Deidre’s Cheating Dilemmas

From secret liaisons to long-term betrayals, affairs regularly surface in Deidre’s inbox.

One man couldn’t shake the woman he drunkenly slept with after a football match, despite her relentless pursuit.

Another reader was devastated to discover her husband had been carrying on a two-year affair with their daughter’s netball coach.

And a third man found himself trapped in a gym affair that turned toxic when his lover demanded thousands to keep their secret.