[Two Pronged] Should a woman ask the man to marry her?
Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,
I am 39, an unmarried single mother, with a 13 year old son. I have found a man, 43, who loves me and my son. The trouble is, like the mother who wrote you last month, he is financially dependent on his mother.
They are in the textbook business and although he does all the work, she still has the power, the connections, etc.
He keeps on telling me, in time, she will give him that power. Then we can get married. He does not want marriage without good financial standing.
I know he really wants to get married and take care of me and my son. I am sure he is not just stringing me along. But I am tired of waiting. I do not trust his mother. She will not give up her power until she dies. Who knows when that will be?
Would it be ok to ask him to marry me instead of waiting for him to ask me? Shouldn’t it be the man to ask the girl? I want him to know we don’t need his mother’s money. I have been living on my own, supporting my son.
All my friends think this a good idea, because we both obviously want to get married. Plus, it’s been 5 years na po! Do you agree with my friends po?
– Becca
Dear Becca,
Your concern is that you want to get married but the core issue you face is your boyfriend’s relationship with his mother. This overshadows everything else in his life — his job, his lifestyle, his future.
He has chosen to work in the family business rather than pursue independence and as a result, at the
age of 43, he still relies on her for everything: money, work, even the roof over his head.
He tells you he wants to be of good financial standing before contemplating marriage but unless he makes some radical changes (and there is no reason to think he is contemplating any) the only way he will achieve that is when his mother dies.
One of the basic tenets of family therapy is that the only person one can change is oneself. There is little to be gained therefore in hoping your boyfriend will change and the last five years are a clear illustration of this. It will be much more beneficial to concentrate on your own situation and examine your options.
So far in this relationship you have got to know each well enough to believe marriage is the next logical step.
You have also identified his mother as the implacable obstacle to this step, an obstacle that has successfully impeded any further progress and an obstacle that could easily thwart you for another 20 years.
Perhaps you need to review your strategy You need to ask yourself what precisely what marriage would add to your relationship. Financially it will presumably add nothing (until his mother dies). Legally, if you are not married, the partners do not have familial rights such as hospital visits — or inheritance rights (but he has no assets).
Are there perhaps religious considerations? Anyway, weigh the pros and cons. Then decide: is marriage really the issue here or is the real problem that you are in a relationship with a boy/man who chooses at 43 to live a life controlled in nearly every way by his mother, with little to no agency.
As ultimately he will not change, you either make the best of what you have now — or it is time to call it a day and move on.
Best wishes,
– JAF Baer
Dear Becca.
Thank you very much for your letter. Your letter’s actual questions were: “Would it be ok to ask him to marry me instead of waiting for him to ask me? Shouldn’t it be the man to ask the girl?”
In answer to these questions, I would say: “Yes, it is very ok for a Female to ask a Male to marry her (AND vice versa) given the right circumstances. And NO, it shouldn’t (or need not) always be the man to propose.”
But I think what you really want to know is not quite what your questions suggest, which is merely a matter of social convention.
I feel that deep down, you are worried about the things that you categorically insist you are not worried about in the first two sentences in the second paragraph of your letter:
- 1st sentence: “I know he really wants to get married and take care of me and my son” seems like it really translates to: He has convinced himself he wants to get married… but is he capable?
- 2nd sentence: “I am sure he is not just stringing me along” really translates to: could he just be stringing me along (even if he has no intention to)?
The question, dearest Becca, is not whether this man wants to take care of you and your son. He does. It is not even a question of whether he loves you or not, which he also definitely does.
The question is, CAN he?
After 43 years of living the way he has, can he really change that much? Can this “boy/man” as Mr. Baer quite accurately describes him, make the leap from boy to actual man, able to stand on his own two feet in every way? Perhaps not even ABLE to in every way, but WILLING to? Willing to live with uncertainty? Willing to live with less money (hence insecurity) for who knows how long? Willing to show his mom that his heart and future belong to his new family -you, your son, him….and even her as grandma if she (naman – on the other hand) is willing?
When it comes to being willing and ready to commit there need to be absolutes. Yes OR no.
When we talk about the How, there is much more room to maneuver. Happily, it seems you know a lot of these, Becca, and hopefully, happily (ever after?) he will learn a lot with you!
All the best,
MG Holmes
– Rappler.com
