[Two Pronged] Getting an ‘old person’ smell from my husband
Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,
Writing this letter is very hard for me. I hope I am just imagining things.
This is what my husband insists I am doing: Creating problems where none exist. I tried to convince myself it was merely my imagination, but this is something I started to notice almost a year ago, and it has not stopped.
In addition, when I shared this to my group of girlfriends (50-70 years old) they all laughed but one friend came up to me afterward and confessed that she was also smelling something “strange” about her husband.
Is it possible that this is not just a basis of our imagination?
For the first time in my life, I have asked my husband to use a deodorant, because, frankly, I cannot stand to be near him. But often the deodorants don’t even work!
It is so sad for me that this smell thing has happened. Being in his arms used to be one of my greatest joys. Now I just suffer through it and calm myself knowing that his putting his arms around me will end soon.
Please help me and my 55-year old girlfriend with the same problem.
– Mia
Dear Mia,
Thank you for your message.
There are studies, such as this one, which indicate that body odor changes as people age.
Babies often have a particular smell, as do teenagers, adults, and the elderly. These changes are normal and not associated with poor personal hygiene.
Researchers have also isolated a chemical compound, 2-nonenal, in people aged 40 and older that increases with age and changes the body’s natural musk.
None of this, Mia, will be of much comfort if you dislike your husband’s smell, so what can you do to remedy the situation?
There are products that are persimmon-based, especially Japanese skin products such as soaps, shampoos, deodorants, that purport to tackle this problem but their effect is contested. It is, however possible, that one or more of these might be efficacious in your case.
The fact that your husband is in denial is, however, a worry. He needs to understand the reality of the situation if any sort of intimacy is going to continue.
Of course, this presupposes that he values being in your arms as much as you do, which isn’t a given. Hopefully, he is as invested as you in maintaining the closeness of your relationship, or otherwise, you run the danger of drifting into being companionate rather than intimate which would be a loss for both of you.
Finally, be mindful that as you age your body too may start to change its smell, an irony which may not escape you!
Best wishes,
JAF Baer
Dear Mia,
Thank you very much for your letter.
Mr. Baer has given you both the facts about ”old people smell” and also the practical ways in which you can deal with it. Perhaps the best thing I can do is share some emotional ways to also deal with it?
Especially in the light that, while old man smell might be stronger than old lady smell, the latter still exists… this is a good reminder not to squeeze your husband’s neck when he starts smelling “old” (unless — ULP! — I’m the only one who has such strong reactions to my husband’s “misbehaviors”).
But that’s just it, isn’t it? This has nothing to do with what he does, and thus is not your husband’s fault in any way!
As Mr. Baer mentioned, the 2-nonenal natural chemical compound can only be detected in people 40 and above. This compound forms because of changes in skin oil composition and in sweat patterns, and there is nothing people can do about all this!
Perhaps realizing this will help you be more tactful with him, because these things — tact, kindness, gentleness, an understanding that none of this is his fault — often make it easier to get the message across.
Not all the messages you share need be about the smell per se; they can also be about some of the fears and anxieties you each have. Mia, you might be afraid/worried that you, too, will get this old people smell. Your husband might fear his smell will get worse. Not only is a “grief shared half a grief,” but then neither you nor he will feel like isolated ice floes trying to hard not to sink in the middle of a dark, over-expansive ocean. You will have someone to talk to, someone with whom you feel seen (again) and that will take a lot of the pressure off — believe me.
Then you can not only learn about “nose blindness” (NB); you can also have fun experimenting with it! For example, at what distance does nose blindness happen most quickly?
The scientific term is called olfactory adaptation, which is the process that happens when you stay in a smelly room and your scent receptors slow down their signals.
This does not only make both you and he feel better, but it makes evolutionary sense. Once your brain can ignore constant background scents, it can then have the bandwidth to focus on new, sudden dangers.
Finally, dearest Mia, when your husband complains of your “creating problems where none exist, he is not being defensive or deliberately obtuse. A 2009 review by Drs. Doty and Cameron clearly stated that “women generally outperform men in various olfactory tests.”
In other words, you and your gf, Mia, are generally more sensitive to odors than men are.
I know, I know, this will not change the way your husband literally smells, but it may make your perception of it somehow less judgmental and “blame-ie” of him.
I cannot help thinking that at this time in our lives, knowing as much as we can about the inevitable changes that might happen to some or all of us as we age, will help us be kinder to ourselves and to each other.
Isn’t that part of what it has always been about?
My very best wishes,
MG Holmes
– Rappler.com
Life got complicated? Write to our Two Pronged duo at twopronged@rappler.com.
